November 18, 2009

Okay. Landlord’s muffled hen skwaking…why the fuck did I try to spell squawking with a k instead of a q? Right off the bat, annoyed, know what I mean? Is that any way to start the daily journal? And I did meditate today. God help me again and again and over again. So, I heard her muffled squawking on the phone already so I had to flip the jazz station on again. Jimmy Health, melting into Wayne Shorter…and away we go. Tried classical actually but the stations were playing like Swan River or some shite…which I just made up for lack of knowing the names but I was hoping for Mozart or Beethoven or Chopin to sooth the early morning but, hey when you get on the station, they play what they play, know what I’m sayin’? No need to get angry or resentful…like I did…with the thought of , “Why are they playing this lame, simpery (maybe not a word but I’ll use it) symphony shit from names unknown to me, when I want friggin Motzart? And It makes sense to get mad at that predicament. Wow! Spelled predicament correct without Microsoft spellcheck. May I have my prize now?

Chilly again this morning. Blowing on my hands as I type, well blowing intermittently shall I say to around more literary. I mean I have written and produced plays, movies, two novels and I still beat the illiterate stick over my head. Why? Because every time including right now, I feel like I don’t know how or better yet, don’t deserve to write. So I search for intermittently to make me sound more literate. And I…I was going to say scold but that is too soft a word. I torture myself for not knowing all the wide range of vocabulary say a Proust or D.H. Lawrence would use. I’m punching my right closed fisted hand into my left open hand to the beat of a Curtis Fuller tune with boppin sax, heavy bass with a deep African drum sound. I look outside the window to my left. The wind is up, blowing the Eucalyptus tree leaves onto the Pines. The sky is a misty shade of light blue as I look out to the canyon hills and when I stretch over and look up, it turns a deeper richer color. And I think just then that I want to be a deeper richer color, all over, in and out, through and through into the everlasting eternal beyond.